Selecting the Right Officiant: An Officiant's Advice

Sharing his advice is Reverend Andy DelliColli, a minister in New York who serves all religious denominations in marriage, including performing non-religious and non-denominational ceremonies. He started officiating in June of 2008 in order to preside over the ceremony of his best friend since childhood. He has performed weddings nearly biweekly since then, in four states and counting.

Beginning Your Search

When you first meet with your potential officiant, start with a low-stress meet-and-greet answering the basic questions: How did you meet? What are the values and base of your relationship? In my initial meeting with couples, I want to be sure I want to take responsibility for the union. (I have a zero percent divorce/annulment rate, and am very proud of that.)

The conversation next turns to a discussion of what you are looking for in a ceremony. Do you want a religious or non-religious ceremony? Do you want any particular theme? (I have been asked to officiate in various costumes; my favorite request was an Elvis costume for a Vegas-themed wedding.) 

Creating the Ceremony

If you decide that we are a good match, I go to work writing a customized ceremony based on the information from the initial meeting. Then we meet again, in person or by phone, and adjust anything you desire. At this point, the final draft is printed twice: once for my use in the ceremony, and once in hand-illuminated calligraphy on gold-leaf-edged parchment for your wedding album, wall, or personal records. (This is an extraneous touch of my own, but has been very well received by new couples.) 

The personal touch is very important. Regardless of what niceties your officiant chooses, be sure you have chosen someone who will go the extra mile to make your experience memorable and pleasant. Couples have a lot of choices when it comes to how their great plunge into unity is conducted, and nothing pleases me more than accommodating you as simply and painlessly as is possible. Let's face it: Planning a wedding is a tall order, and we officiants should do our best to make sure our step is one of the easiest.

Avoiding Miscommunication

I find that the two-meeting scenario is the best way to avoid rewriting the whole ceremony over and over again. There can never be too much communication between the couple and the officiant. This holds especially true if you are attempting an intricate ceremony such as the meshing of two religions or cultures.

My job is easiest when couples open up as much as possible during our initial meetings. I enjoy working with couples that ask a lot of questions. It helps to come prepared with stories about your relationship that can be included in the ceremony. There is also nothing wrong with preparing a list of wants and needs prior to our meeting, as it's difficult to remember everything you want to ask in the moment. It's also a good idea to bring along a notebook, as it helps with brainstorming and keeps everybody on the same page. (I always take notes during these meetings.)

Knowing You've Found "The One"

You will know you've found your officiant by the way you click in conversation. You want to be able to banter easily. You should feel comfortable tossing out ideas and questions, knowing that the officiant is receptive and on-board with your personal vision. Remember, if you aren't comfortable conversing with the potential officiant, your family and friends probably won't be, either.

Be sure to ask about logistical concerns, like fees and availability, before you meet. Similarly, your first question for any potential officiant should be whether they have any qualms with your union. You will want to weed out anybody with a conflict of values or beliefs before any of you puts too much effort into constructing a ceremony.

Ask about their experience and whether they can provide samples of their work. Most ceremonies are similar in structure, but you want to know how this particular officiant performs in a ceremony that's similar to the one you’re planning. Ask questions that give you a sense of how the officiant performs under pressure, like "What would you do if …" scenarios. You don't want someone who melts down if small things go awry (as they often do on important days). Feel free to test their sense of humor, since you only get one chance at the ceremony you want.

Make sure your officiant understands that the agreed-upon script should be completely adhered to. The last thing you want is to be surprised mid-ceremony by distracting ad-libbing. Your officiant should allow you complete veto power over every word written.

Your officiant should be willing to adjust their style to fit the mood of the ceremony you want to create. For example, I always attempt to coordinate my suit to the colors the bride has chosen.

The bottom line is: Every couple should be comfortable with their chosen officiant, no matter the denomination or ceremony style.